This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
