You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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