walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
