Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
apparently the secret to your success is patron
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
