I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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