Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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