I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
