Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
