If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
All the doctor said was why
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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