I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
