In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
