I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize