I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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