I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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