oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's shark week go big or go home
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
