YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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