How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
