TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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