not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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