I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Success! We fucked roommates!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
