so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
