Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
