Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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