I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
