I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
