i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
