The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
