so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
