hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
