I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
