I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
