My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
time to smoke my breakfast
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
