you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
