arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
