i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize