Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
