Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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