I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
