make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
