Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Pants are for mortals
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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