You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
