We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I won't apologize to a one balled man
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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