I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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