I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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