areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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