Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
