If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So vagazzling was a success
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize