kristin has been a bad kristin
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
