The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
