She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
