He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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