in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
