If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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