Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Holy sore nipples Batman
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
All the doctor said was why
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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