i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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