I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
