I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He felt like a one man threesome
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
