I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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