Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
