Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
