The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
