I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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