So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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