but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
