you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
