im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
