then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
420 ftw
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
