I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
